How to Start a Conversation When Dating After 45

For many of us, the last time we had to strike up a conversation with a potential partner, it happened face to face. Writing that first message to someone you've never met can feel strangely formal by comparison. The secret is simple: write the way you'd talk if you were introduced at a friend's dinner party.

Skip the "Hello, how are you?"

A polite greeting on its own doesn't give the other person much to reply to, and it's the message almost everyone sends. A line or two that shows you've read their profile stands out straight away, and it's far easier to answer.

Start with something they've shared

Look at their photos and what they've written, pick one thing that genuinely interests you, and ask about it. Open questions, the kind that can't be answered with a simple yes or no, work best.

• Rather than "Nice garden", try "Your garden looks wonderful. What are you most proud of growing?"
• Rather than "You like walking?", try "Where's the best walk you've done this year?"
• Rather than "Lovely holiday photo", try "That looks like Italy. Is it somewhere you go back to?"

The discovery feed and Articles & Spaces are good places to get a feel for someone, too. Commenting on a post they've written is an easy and natural way to say hello.

Good questions for any profile

If someone's profile is a little sparse, these tend to get people talking:

• What does a perfect Sunday look like for you?
• Is there something you've taken up in the last few years that you love?
• What's a book, film or programme you'd recommend to anyone?
• Where would you go if you could travel anywhere next year?
• What are you hoping to find here: friendship, companionship or something more?

Keep the conversation flowing

• Share as well as ask. Answer your own questions too, so it feels like a conversation rather than an interview.
• Leave the past for later. Divorces, bereavements and old relationships are part of everyone's story at this stage of life, but they're best shared once you know each other a little.
• Reply when you can. Members who reply promptly earn the Anti-Ghosting badge, and it's one of the things that makes people keen to keep talking to you.
• Suggest a call or a coffee when it feels right. There's no need to message for weeks. Our first date ideas can help you plan.

When a conversation isn't going anywhere

Not every chat will lead to a date, and that's perfectly normal. If you'd rather not continue, a short, kind message is always better than silence, and the one-click replies let you decline politely without any awkwardness.